10 Cringeworthy Locations at SBU

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By JD Allen

All right, Stony Brook. It’s no secret that the university needs some work — a lot of work. With buildings sprouting up everywhere, it’s easy to sometimes look past the dilapidated, 60s architecture that we have all come to know and love.

That is, at least for the most part.

Unfortunately UrbanDictionary.com does not do our out-dated campus justice in defining the university’s “gorgeous” facilities.

Coming at you with my top 10:

1. The Student Union (Union) - (noun)

a. Where clubs go to die. If a club has space in the Union, be sure its budget is plummeting fast.

“What do you mean we meet in the Union?”

b. A plumber’s nightmare. With cold water being the only thing flowing through the building’s pipes and flooding happening on the regular, it is a miracle that the building hasn’t collapsed from rot damage.

  • “Are you sure the Union is sanitary?”

2. Wolfie’s Hut - (noun)

a. Bus stop

“Does Wolfie’s Hut have any newspapers? It is raining and I don’t have a hood.”

b. The only safe haven for commuter students at night…if it’s open, that is

  • “It is dark out and I feel unsafe. Good thing Wolfie’s Hut is here. Aaaaaand (South Park reference) it is closed.”

3. Starbucks - (noun)

a. The homing beacon for all white girls on campus

  • “Did you hear Starbucks has the Pumpkin Spice Latte again?”

 

“Want to go Starbucks it up? I have a wad of cash burning in my pocket,”

b. (verb) To pay an unruly amount of money for liquid sugar

4. Kenneth P. LaValle Stadium - (noun)

a. Where Seawolves wait for  hangovers to wear-off, accompanied by mediocre athletics. Not included: Michael Bamiro, Miguel Maysonet and the whole women’s lacrosse team. Those girls are tough and slightly terrifying.

“We don’t actually go here.”

5. Student Activities Center (SAC) - (noun)

a. The only acceptable place for commuters to gather on campus

  • “I need a nap; going to the SAC.”

b. Where students go to eat when they will be hungry in 30 to 45 minutes

c. Home to the Undergraduate Student Government, as well as two empty bathrooms

“The only thing I care about are the unoccupied bathrooms in the SAC.”

 

6. Social and Behavioral Sciences Building (SBS) - (noun)

a. Where chemistry dropouts attend class

“Chemistry 131 gave me a D. Off to SBS.”

b. The home of majors that make parents frown

  • “I need to pay for my own education now that I am not pre-med. I wonder if the sociology department in SBS has any financial aid opportunities.”

7. Earth and Space Science Building (ESS) - (noun)

a. The mad scientist’s laboratory

“Did you hear there was an explosion in the ESS building last year?”

b. Home to useless fire alarms

  • “Does this bother anyone else? Anyone? The ESS building has many disabled fire alarms.”

c. A museum dedicated to the movie “Silence of the Lambs”

  • “What’s with all the stuffed animals in the ESS building?”

8. Frank Melville Jr. Library - (noun)

a. Where journalism students, with cameras and tape recorders in hand, run free

“Steer clear of the library, folks.”

9. Kelly Quad - (noun)

a. The ghetto of Stony Brook University, featuring cigarette-burned furniture, backed up plumbing and a colony of centipedes

“Please let that be my roommate tickling my feet. These Kelly Quad dorms are getting skeevy.”

b. Guam

  • “Where exactly is Kelly Quad?”

10. The Administration Building - (noun)

a. Where graduate students pay their bills in change

  • “I have three rolls of dimes to pay my fees with. Time to go to the Administration building.”

b. Home to the rudest employees on campus

  • “What do you mean this window is closed? I just waited 30 minutes on this line. Screw the Administration building — I am paying my bills online.”

c. A dinosaur’s cemetery dwelling

“So much for rest in peace.”