Crime Report for April 21-28: Geese Gone Wild

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By Siobhan Becker
Social Media Manager

The geese on campus have been up to no good thing week! Here is the Crime Report for April 21-28: Geese Gone Wild Edition.

  • April 21, 8:30 a.m- A male goose was found in possession of President Stanley’s paper bag lunch. The goose had already eaten Stanley’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich by the time police had discovered him outside of the Wang Center. Assistant Chief of University Police Neil Farrell said the goose attempted to flee the scene, but got his foot stuck in a small mound of grape jelly. The goose was issued a referral.
  • April 23, 1 p.m- A Wendy’s employee reported her laptop and cellphone stolen to campus police. Police found a female goose laying on the employee’s laptop near Roth Pond. They are still trying to locate the employee’s phone.
  • April 24, 12:15 p.m- A male goose with no affiliation to the university threatened to bite a journalism student’s microphone after he was asked for his opinion on the Roth Regatta. The goose was arrested for threatening the student reporter.
  • April 25, 2:00 a.m- Two male geese were arrested for possession of marijuana and other drugs in Tabler Quad on their way from an off-campus party. Police found the two behind Dreiser College, a 24-Hour Quiet and Substance-Free residence.
  • April 27, 9:05 a.m- A female goose was arrested on charges of criminal mischief and menacing following a fight between the goose and her ex-boyfriend, a mallard duck. The two were arguing over a Wendy’s french fry.
  • April 28, 6:30 p.m- Police referred twelve geese for possession of alcohol on campus. The friends were on their way back to their dorms from the Bench when Police found a Guinness label sticking to a wing of one of the friends.