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Photo from cnn.com

By Justin Cole
Reviews Editor

Picture this: you walk into your first day of classes and suddenly in walks a human being who looks as though they’ve jumped out of your dreams and into the creaky chair next to you in Javitz 100.

You muster up the strength to talk to this person and immediately hit it off as if you were destined by the gods above to be together.  You begin to plan your wedding day, your first dog’s name, your 4-6 children’s names and what house you’ll eventually live and die in.

This is all great except for one thing, you haven’t even been on your first date yet…actually you haven’t asked more than “How’s it going?” and “What classes are you taking this semester?”

To remedy the situation, you ask the person out to dinner to get to know them better. And they say yes!

Now, these are college students we are talking about, so anywhere fancy is out of the question. Naturally, you go to Chipotle.

As you sit in the dimly lit, avant-garde music playing burrito joint, you stare into each other’s eyes when you begin to notice things.  Your mind plays thoughts like “Did they really just say they’ll be endorsing Trump in the upcoming election?” “Oh, they just used their hands to eat out of their bowl” “How hard is it to keep Carnitas beef off of your shirt?” until suddenly you think “How the hell am I supposed to get out of this mess made in heaven?”

These are a few ways you can effectively bail on a tragic first date:

1. Take a phone call, then run with it.

Just as you notice that your date uses their sleeve to wipe literally everything, you “receive a phone call from your mom” informing you that your extremely real and not made up uncle José is in the hospital.

Hang up the phone, stand up from your chair, explain your uncle’s misfortune and then run out of the restaurant frantically.  When you see your date in class the next day, run to the other side of the class and sit in the furthest seat from them.

You have successfully bailed on a bad date.

 

2. Pretend to wet yourself.

A lot of people won’t use this tactic because it’s what some would call “unorthodox,” “gross” or “not socially acceptable,” but it is effective.

Just as you see your flickering flame longingly stare at someone else, initiate the plan by hurling your burrito across room as if your “hand slipped” while you were eating it.  Apologize profusely and ask them to run over and grab some napkins to clean it up. While your date’s back is turned, take some ice water out of your cup and dump it all over your lap.  This will give off the illusion that you have urinated out of sheer anxiety and panic.

Following the wetting, you should stand up from your chair and run frantically out of the restaurant. When you see your date in class the next day you should probably lay on the flirting extra thick; if he/she is still attracted to you run to the other side of the cavernous lecture hall and sit in the farthest possible seat from them.

You have successfully bailed on a bad date.

 

3. Top their weirdness with your psychotic tendencies.

This is a fun one because you can get really creative.  As you stare into the cold dead eyes of your date, you realize that they just put their vape pen in their mouth and blew a cumulus cloud of dragonfruit scented vapor into the air.  As the cloud clears, you realize they’re wearing a charming shirt that says “Nice story babe, now make me a sandwich.”

It is in this moment that you decide you are going to have to make them horrified of you.

As they chomps into their burrito, you begin murmuring “No, I can’t kill him here, it would be too public” followed by a convincing “STOP SCREAMING AT ME, YOU KNOW I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!”

When your date looks put off by your presence, begin slowly moving toward them and repeatedly slap yourself in the face without breaking eye contact.  To conclude, run frantically past your date and throw yourself through the glass pane instead of using the door.  If executed correctly, your date will run to the other side of the lecture hall and sit in the farthest possible seat from you.

You have successfully bailed on a bad date.

 

4. “Honesty is the best policy.”

This option is the most difficult to pull off because it involves telling the truth.  Essentially, when you notice that they are wearing a fanny pack around their waist you have to be honest with the person.

This can come in many forms:

• The stark reality: “I, nor anyone else, would be interested in dating you until you begin to make new life choices and change who you are.”
• The passive-aggressive: “I just this second realized that I’m not looking to date anyone.”
• The self-deprecation : “I am just not right for you.”
• The “truth”: “I was really interested in dating you, but I can’t date you. The reason being I am getting a life-threatening gall bladder surgery tomorrow and I don’t want to leave you in shambles if I don’t make it.”

As always, when you see your date in class the next day, run to the other side of the class and sit in the furthest seat from them. It may also help to be completely out of their sight during class, this can be accomplished by showing up 10-15 minutes late and sitting in the back row.

You have successfully bailed on a bad date.

 

Good luck and happy dating!