Photo from thetruthinsideofyou.com
By Jennifer Cooper
As the semester is drawing to a close, I wanted to reflect on one of the biggest issues I, and many other students, face.
My past few blogs about my struggles with mental illness addressed very specific issues I face: socioeconomic status, failure, depression and anxiety in general. The goal of this blog series is to raise awareness for what many go through. Your feelings are valid. You are valid.
For me, overthinking is a larger, constant issue that umbrellas both of my major mental illnesses: depression and anxiety. I think about thinking about thinking. I think about my anxiety and how my anxiety makes me feel. I think that I will never be enough. I think about thinking that I will never be enough.
I think about how my depression makes me more depressed. I think about how I will have to live with this the rest of my life. I think about how to fix it and all of my symptoms. I think about how each of my symptoms overlaps with other illnesses and that I probably have 12 more. I think myself into being a hypochondriac. I think so much it makes me sick.
I sit in class with so much anxiety, thinking about how self-diagnosis is no good. I think about how everything comes back to my depression and anxiety and that I think too much about it. I think about how it affects everything I do and every decision I make. I think about how this rambling article makes no sense if you have never felt this way.
I think about how there is too much in my head. I think about Harry Potter, and how I wish I had a pensieve to be able to pull thoughts out of my crammed, blocked head. I think about how hard it is to talk about how much I am thinking. I think that the only way to fix it is to talk about it, but how talking about it sometimes makes it worse.
I think that I am the only one who has ever felt this way. I think that other people have felt this way. I think that my constant thinking makes my thoughts contradict each other.
I cannot stop thinking. Maybe it is all my mental illnesses. Maybe it is just who I am. I would like to stop, and I try so hard. I think it will never get better. But I hope it will get better some day.