Satire

Decades of habit and training lie behind the junk that passes for good writing in college. Let's explore the dark art of producing unreadable work, and being rewarded for it.

Eight people were injured in what Sayville firefighters are calling "the greasiest fire we have ever seen." At about 11PM last night, it was business as usual at the SAC until suddenly a fry cook at Philly's grill in the food court caught fire due to excessive amounts of grease on his apron and hairspray in his hair. Coworker Samuel Dowd attempted futilly to smother the flames with burger patties, but those, too, caught fire.

Recently, with talk about yet another tuition increase and cuts to financial aid programs, Stony Brook University's administration has been concerned with how the institution's image might be hurt. In order to help prevent a tide of negative publicity, and to appeal to an ever-growing pool of prospective college students, the administration recently has put forth various proposals to help improve the quality of life at Stony Brook and make it more appealing to prospective and existing students alike.

The latest development in the dramatic history of USG was originally proposed at an impromptu meeting in the SAC third-floor men's room.  Sources who wish to remain anonymous tell us that the "black budget" proposal is aimed at curbing "nationalistic aspirations."  The plan involves erecting a gallows in the "hole" of the SAC loop, because it would be "the first thing people see" when they get to the mall.